apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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