Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
