we made out on top of his cat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
