TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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