My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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