Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So vagazzling was a success
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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