My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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