I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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