I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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