I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just forgot I was standing up.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
