Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
