but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
