I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
