we have pet lesbian snakes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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