My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
