Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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