All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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