shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
