My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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