I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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