I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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