Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
