just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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