when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
