Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
