Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Where is the hickey?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
