i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
