At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
