my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
