i would punch a child for taco bell
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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