This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
