Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is Oprah even human
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
