You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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