I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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