what if every blade of grass was a penis?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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