I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
