Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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