he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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