At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish you could order shots online.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
