she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
