There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bring me that man meat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
