I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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