ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
