I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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