He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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