i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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