Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
