I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
40s are totally the cure
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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