Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
