i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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