I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
