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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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