apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
