I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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