I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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