I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize