dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
