a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize