Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She even gives head with a lisp.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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