Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
