Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i think i have two assholes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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