The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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