I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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