Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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