Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
