Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize