I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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