Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
